How to Deal with Insecurities in a Relationship

Updated: Mar 13, 2023
By Rebecca Bala Yalien
insecurities in a relationship
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The feeling of insecurity in a relationship is not unusual, in fact it is quite common. Insecurities in a relationship can change a healthy relationship into a  toxic relationship in a short time. When one partner is insecure, the relationship becomes exhausting for the other partner.

The constant need for validation and reassurance could leave the other partner feeling drained. If you and your partner are struggling with insecurities in your relationship, you’re in the right place. Here are some tips on how to deal with insecurities in a relationship.

First let’s get familiar with the word insecurity.

What is Insecurity in a Relationship?

Insecurity in a relationship is a feeling of inadequacy or unworthiness which could be as a result of low self esteem, poor body image, childhood trauma, past relationships e.t.c

Types of Insecurities in a Relationship

1. Emotional insecurity

This is a  feeling of inadequacy to share how you feel or communicate your displeasure about a certain issue. An emotionally insecure person would avoid conflicts. This could be because they grew up in a home where there were constant fights and verbal abuse .

They somehow feel that keeping quiet may keep their relationship strong. That is not true. They also minimize their feelings. Also wondering if they are overreacting.

2. Attachment Insecurity

Is a type of insecurity where you experience difficulty forming emotional attachment in relationships. You have the ” Leave them before they leave you” mentality. When someone is getting too close, you quickly run. In a relationship this could be a problem as emotional connection with your partner is important.

3.  Physical Insecurity

This type of insecurity stems from having a poor body image. Constantly worrying about your looks and complaining you are too fat or too slim . Asking your partner to reassure you so you can feel good about yourself. Obsessively worrying about your weight could be exhausting for your partner.

Sometimes it makes them worry especially if your insecurity is causing you to make unhealthy decisions like eating too much, taking all sorts of medicine to lose weight. Practicing self-love and reminding yourself that you are beautiful the way you are, will help you deal with this insecurity.

4. Financial Insecurity

This occurs when there’s a financial imbalance between the couple. One partner earns more than the other or could be as a result of financial expectations set on one partner. Couples should communicate their financial expectations before deciding to be in a relationship.

Money talks should never be ignored. I remember a lady who had a very rich boyfriend. Every woman’s dream. He knew how to spend money on her, and she enjoyed it. For someone who wanted to contribute to the finances of the relationship, it didn’t take long before she became insecure. 

When his birthday came around, she was almost having a panic attack. What could you possibly give someone who has it all? She felt like a gold digger, sometimes a charity case because she was always receiving gifts from him, he was always paying for dates and outings, and she couldn’t afford to give him anything.

She read meanings to statements he made innocently and would always feel disrespected because she felt she wasn’t in his ‘Class’. This was one of the reasons the relationship ended.

5. Social Insecurity

This is more focused on your image as a couple. A socially insecure partner would want you to do things for the gram. Things that are’ socially acceptable’ or things that make you fit into a particular class.

For a partner who doesn’t care about the social image of the relationship, it can get very annoying when your partner is constantly fussing about how you have to look like a perfect couple. There are no perfect relationships.

Signs of an Insecure Person in a Relationship

1. Competing with Their Partner

If your partner acts like they are in a competition with you, that could be a sign that your partner is insecure. Relationship is meant to be a partnership. You should be a team not rivals. When there’s constant need to out do whatever you do and prove that they are better than you, it ceases to be a partnership.

2. Too Clingy

Is your partner too dependent and needy? Always wanting to be together and following you around? That could be a sign that your partner is insecure. The need to spend time with your lover is normal but when it becomes excessive, it is unhealthy and could very well be a sign of insecurity. In a relationship, every partner should have a life outside of the other.

3. Constantly Doubting Their Partner’s Love

Are you sure you love me?

If you love me, you would…,

prove that you love me by doing…

These are some of the statements an insecure partner would make. I had a friend whose boyfriend was very insecure.

Most of their conversations were either her apologizing for not picking her calls, her explaining and defending herself or her just trying to prove to him that she loved him. Every argument or fight will end up with him saying she didn’t love him and was seeing someone else.

4.  Overreacting at the Slightest Provocation

Does your partner get upset over the smallest things, always picking fights and arguing with you? Always on defense like you are the enemy? This could mean your partner is insecure.

5. Obsessed with Their Looks

If your partner is constantly obsessing over how much weight they’ve gained, how slim they look, how big their bum is or the number of pimples on their face, it could be a sign that your partner is insecure about their physical appearance. If they are always fishing for compliments and trying to get you to make them feel good about their looks, they could be insecure.

6. Feeling of Jealousy

Is jealousy in a relationship normal? Yes it is. But if it is extreme, leading to possessiveness, it is toxic. If your partner is always jealous, close to you, always upset when you’re in contact with a friend of the opposite sex, your partner is insecure.

7. Looks Through Their Partner’s Phone

Every relationship should have boundaries. Some of these boundaries include respecting each other’s privacy. When your partner is always looking through your phone, your Google search history and keeping tabs on what you’re doing online, that’s a clear sign your partner is insecure.

How to Deal with Insecurities

1. Open Communication

Communication is the glue that keeps every relationship together. A lot of people mistake talking frequently for communication. Communication is more than talking, it involves actively listening, understanding each other, and vulnerability .

When you’ve Identified an insecurity looming over your relationship, it is important to talk to your partner about it. Talk about your fears, your doubts, your expectations, talk about past relationships and patterns that seem to be recurring.

Those thoughts that are cooking in your mind, bring it all out and talk. In the process of communication there’s understanding and reassurance. 

2. Self-love

Loving yourself is the ultimate way if you are looking for how to deal with insecurities in a relationship. People will Love you on the same level you love yourself. If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect others to? You have to keep reminding yourself that you are special and not here by accident.

Your partner is lucky to have you because there’s so much you bring to the table. Stop thinking they are doing you a favor even if they look like Michael B. Jordan.

Accepting yourself the way you are, loving yourself and treating yourself right tells your people how you want to be treated and loved. It also takes away the burden off your partner who has to constantly remind you of your worth.

3. Counseling

Most insecurities stem from issues from past experiences. Some as old as our childhood days. Some of these experiences may have affected your partner so bad, it may look like they can’t move on from it. It’s important to seek professional help. Not just for your peace but to save the relationship.

4. Building Trust

Since lack of trust is a reason for the insecurity, building trust is how to deal with insecurities in a relationship. It may not be easy to build trust after it’s broken but it’s possible if both partners are committed.

Create allowances for mistakes while also  earning your partner’s trust. You must be open to forgiving and letting go of every mistake your partner made in the past and focus on building back trust

5. Speak Each Other’s Love Language

Every individual has a love language ranging from words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time to acts of service and physical touch. Know your partners’ and speak it.

This is one tip on how to deal with insecurities in a relationship that is important. Your partner may be insecure because you haven’t been showing love in the way they understand.

6. Quit Overthinking

 Our minds are indeed a battlefield. If you just let it go, you’ll drive yourself crazy with worry. Stop over analyzing everything. You’ll just end up making a mountain out of a molehill and ruin your relationship. As an overthinker myself, I know the number of times my mind has led me astray. I was worrying for nothing and in the process hurt my partner.

7. Try Spending Time Alone

Independence is absolutely necessary in a relationship. Spending time with your partner is great but you need to have a life of your own. Have your own friends, enjoy your own company, have fun without your partner. This way you reduce your dependence on your partner and give them space to breathe.

What Makes a Woman Insecure

1. Media and Unrealistic Expectations

Trust the media to paint a perfect picture that never exists. There’s a standard of beauty that the media has set and anyone who doesn’t fit the picture is made to feel less beautiful.

You find pictures of women whose waist looks snatched a few weeks after childbirth and because of how believable it is, women with postpartum weight and stretch marks after a few weeks may start to obsess about their body and the fact that they are not losing weight fast enough.

2. Childhood Abuse and Neglect

 A woman who grew up being abused or seeing violence and abuse around her may grow to be insecure. She gets spanked any time she makes a mistake or even tries to defend herself.

This could affect how she resolves conflicts with her partner or could even make her closed off and avoid emotional intimacy.

3. Emotional Abuse from Previous Relationships

 This could be another reason why a woman is insecure. Coming from a relationship where you weren’t heard, respected, cheated on can mess with your mind.

She is probably insecure because her mind keeps telling her that all men are the same and you’re probably cheating on her just like the previous dude. Reassuring her may be exhausting but you  have to be patient with her if you love her and continually make her feel safe and secure.

4. Broken Trust

Once trust is broken, it becomes hard to fix. If your woman is insecure, then you may have broken her trust in the past. All the close marking and stalking, all the jealous outbursts and the checking of your phone could be as a result of something you did in the past.

She may have forgiven you but trusting you may be difficult. I bet she remembers what you did in the past when she wants to trust you. Trust can be earned again, although it takes time. If you can do whatever it takes, do it!

5. No Boundaries with Your Female Friends

You may just be the reason why your woman is insecure. Yes you! If you have female friends and have no clear boundaries, your partner will feel insecure. When it comes to relationships with the opposite gender, you have to be careful.

Make sure all your female friends know their boundaries and stick to it. You may not be cheating but you may make her have doubts if you are close to other females without boundaries.

6. You Keep Secrets

 When a man starts keeping secrets it means that he’s hiding something. A woman is naturally curious so don’t be surprised when you find her going through your phone or search history. When it starts to feel like you’re hiding something and drifting away, it can make her insecure.

Conclusion

Insecurities have the power to ruin relationships. Before they ruin yours, you should fix it . communicate with your partner, practice self-love, Respect each other , reassure each other and seek help from a professional.

These are proven tips on how to deal with insecurities in a relationship.  Something that helps is constantly reminding yourself that you are beautiful, handsome, special, you’re worth it and very enough.

FAQs

What are some relationship insecurities?

Insecurities in relationships include physical insecurity, emotional insecurity, financial insecurity, attachment insecurity and social insecurity.

How do you fix insecurities in a relationship?

Communicating with your partner  is one way to fix insecurities. You have to be open and honest with each other. Constantly reassure each other and look for ways to show love. Most importantly, Love yourself.

What are guys’ biggest insecurities?

Men’s biggest insecurities range from not earning enough, not being able to live up to expectations, performance in bed, manhood size, to not being fit and built enough.

What causes insecurity?

Insecurity can be caused by a variety of things. It could be from childhood trauma, bullying, abusive relationships, low self esteem.

What’s a girl’s biggest insecurity?

Girls’ biggest insecurity is their body image. Women are mostly insecure about their face shape, skin texture, body hairs, body size, and bum sizes etc.

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